Talk about your stereotypes...

Hello my bloggie friends!

So much time has passed since my last entry... I always try to find inspiration to write, not to just write about anything and everything. Quite likely I would bore you all to death! Lol :)

Well, since the last entry, I have hit some serious goals with my personal and professional life. First, I got my Mirena IUC removed and I feel AMAZING. I didn't like it very much to begin with, but it was necessary as I didn't want anymore children. Plus, I read this complaint page on the Mirena, where all the entries were from women unhappy with their Mirena. I was so shocked to see that the symptoms they were complaining about were some of the very ones that I was unhappy with! I didn't think it was b/c of my Mirena... well, now that it's gone I know it was. Goal accomplished :)

Now, the goal I'm most proud that I accomplished was getting my VT Instructors license for Esthetics! I can now be an Esthetics teacher in the state of VT! SO AWESOME. I really have my coworker to thank (the one who took the job I coveted), b/c without her successful promotion at work I wouldn't have been so motivated to show her up. (I'll be the first to admit that I am a very sore loser). My initial inspiration to provide a better Esthetics curriculum came from my kid sister, who was at the time enrolled in one of the many inadequate Esthetics programs in VT. I would grill her about what she was learning, how the teacher taught the class, the teacher's credentials, etc. I was at breakfast one morning with her and the rest of my family when it hit me... I would be a way better teacher than my sister's teacher! I, after the bitter taste of defeat from my coworker advancing at work left in my mouth, had found a new direction to take in my career!

Okay.... so now what?

Well, now in creeps the insecurity. The anticipated anxiety, nerves, and.... fear. Yes. Fear. I have always had a fear of success. Since I was a kid, really. Even after all the lessons on humility my parents gave me as a kid, I just can't be humble about my successes. I really am a braggart. I love for people to know that I am great, wonderful, successful, beautiful, intellegent, blah blah blah... see? There I go :P I know not to brag so much it makes others uncomfortable, but with all this in mind, the lessons of my childhood yesteryear conflicting with my ambition usually leads to- procrastination. Ah, yes, good old procrastination. This is usually when my animal guides start showing up....

I have had a few different guides over the years but two of them have always been consistent. The toad and the spider. Sounds like a good name for a Wicca shop :) Maybe when I retire... lol :) For years I have just thought they showed up when they liked, until recently. I found 3 toads within 30 feet of each other within 3 mins, all in my garden. They were enormous. Naturally, I can't resist picking them up and studying them, giving them compliments, and graciously praising them for eating all the nasties in my garden :) Weird, as I hadn't seen any at all this year until recently... Now, each week, I must vacuum up yards of cobwebs in my house. As I write from my bed, I can look to my right and see a common house spider spying on me. Always, toads and spiders. I have looked at their totem meanings and it's really creepy how accurately they play into my current state of life.

THE TOAD

"The appearance of a toad heralds a successful time of drawing upon and using our inner resources. Toads are associated with money and luck- especially changing your bad luck to good. A toad also heralds the need for self-examination... Ask these questions- Am I hesitating to act and missing opportunities? Am I allowing fear to hinder progress?Have I forgotten my inner strength? A toad totem is a representation of the Moon, and represents both life and death." Hmm.. let's see, representation of the Divine Female, and life and death. Sounds like Hecate has her spy-eyes on me considering I am at a crossroads... lol :) And yes to all those questions... now on to the spider.

THE SPIDER

"The spider is an ancient symbol of mystery, power, and growth. As the spider gently weaves her web so we weave our realities. She calls us to make use of our creativity and weave our dreams into our destiny. When the Spider appears to us, it is a message to be mindful of the choices we are making - and ask ourselves: How are my choices affecting my life? How can my choices improve my life? How are my choices affecting others in my life? Not only do Spiders and their webs draw attention to our life choices, they also give us an overview of how we can manipulate our thinking in order to construct the life we wish to live. Spiders do this by calling our awareness to the amazing construction of their webs. Fully functional, practical, and ingenious in design - Spider webs serve as homes, food storage, egg incubators - seemingly limitless in their functionality. When we consider this ingenious diversity, we can also consider the web-like construct of our own lives. How are we designing the most effective life? When we see our decisions, choices and actions as far-reaching, effective tools in life - we can see how we weave a web that can either serve us or enslave us. The Spider symbol meaning beckons us to be mindful of our behaviors - be smart about the life we weave for ourselves. We can derive more Spider symbol meaning when we consider certain subtle characteristics that represent ancient symbols of infinity. The infinity symbol meanings occur when we consider most Spiders have eight eyes and all have eight legs. The number eight is also a symbol of infinity or lemniscate (an eight turned on its side). Also, the vibrational frequency indicates the meaning of number eight involves cycles, passage of time, and evolution." I have learned to be more kind to spiders over the years, and now I will really think twice before being reactive... All this confirms that I need to be progressive and start really acting out the choices I've had in reflection for wayyyy too long :)

All this to think about & for a Witch who doesn't believe in coincidence but Divine design, the toad and the spider couldn't have shown up at a better time.

Really?? Because I thought......

I would like to preface this blog by stating that even under the most adverse of circumstances, I try to practice what I preach. This is how I was raised and also what I hold to be true. And as every mother knows, if you don't practice what you preach, how will your kids take you seriously?? So the question not need be asked, that if you don't practice what you preach to everyone else, how will you expect them to take you seriously? This is a true story of how I practiced the tolerance of theological beliefs that I preach is an important tool for getting along with many different types of people.

The other night my husband, my 3 year old daughter, and I went out to our favorite local joint in town to see our musician friend perform. Now my musician friend, while a great guy to hang out with, encourages "idol worship" or "sycophantism" from his female friends. Sadly, he isn't discriminating enough when he makes these friends and subjects my husband and I to the most intolerable personalities from time to time. While my husband doesn't take these people seriously and only wants to hang out with his buddy, I, however, do not wish to encourage these certain friends of my musician friend to think we are all buddy-buddy with them and that we are, in one fashion or another, friends.

There is one friend of our musician friend.... Well, for all intents and purposes let's call my musician friend... Narcissus, appropriately :) So Narcissus has this friend (who we shall call Richmond) whom I met with an open heart and an open mind, as she was the new lady in town. I thought the fact that I was an attractive, open minded, friendly individual would inspire her to try to connect with me on some level. That's not what happened. She did, however, connect very well (and by "very well" I mean practically ignoring my sister and I and flirting HEAVILY with my sister's boyfriend, Narcissus, and my very own husband). Needless to say I was not happy, much less impressed with her behavior (in my very own home!!). At the end of the evening, Narcissus drove Richmond home (much to the chagrin of my sister), and I had (I thought) formed an accurate impression of her intentions within my circle, my comfort zone.

Months pass, and my sister and Narcissus had been broken up for a short while when my husband invites me out for a "micro date" with Narcissus..... and Richmond. As I'm sure you can guess, I decline, and I decline several other "micro dates" because Richmond is going to be there. Not as Narcissus's date, because Richmond is not up to his "lofty standards", but as a friend.

I feel I must point out that I have no problem with women flirting with my husband, as he is a completely charming and gregarious individual, but I do not condone flirting with my husband while I am present.

Alas, the other evening in a moment of weakness I agree to a "micro date" to see our friend, Narcissus, play. Well, guess who is there. Yep. Richmond. So I, not being one to make a scene in public, try to be friendly to her once again. Maybe I will get a different result... as first impressions aren't always accurate.

After talk of a potato pancake recipe that "she simply must try" and different foods we like, blahblahblahblahblah, I decide to try out the old "animal empathy" card, to see if we can connect on some level. I divulge that we are in the process of adopting a dog and that we are excited and nervous and so happy to add another loving family member. I also divulge an interesting fact about snakes, not one that many people know, which is that snakes cannot feel love. They do not possess the gene that allows them to give or receive love. Even after years of domestication and care by the same individual, they cannot love their owner. I expect to hear from her a fact that I do not know, therefore sparking another round of chit chat from her and I. I did not get a cool factoid from her. This is what I got.

*RICHMOND HAS A SOUTHERN ACCENT*
"That makes total sense!!!", she says.
I smile and ask, "What makes total sense?"
"About the snake? Being the symbol of Satan?"
*I am looking at her expectantly and also dumbfounded, just waiting to hear the crap that comes out of her mouth.*
Smiling brightly, she says, "That makes total sense!! Get it?? Because Satan cannot love, he is the master of evil and hate, so it makes sense that he is represented by a snake!! Because snakes are incapable of love!!! Oh my gosh..."

Gee, Richmond, all these years I thought that the snake was symbolic of transformation, and knowledge, and in some cultures the snake was representative of the internal spiral of energy that people possess... their 'Kundalini'. I mean, really??? Satan?? Even though the symbolism of the serpent predates Christianity by at least a thousand years and has been used in some of the oldest rituals known to humankind... I mean, I guess it was all a fallacy to fool us pagans!! The devil really did it, huh?? LMFAO!! To further my point, an example of a serpent used as a positive symbol is Mucalinda, the king of snakes who shielded the Buddha from the elements as the Buddha sat in meditation. An example of a serpent used as a negative symbol is the snake who tempted Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, as described in the Book of Genesis.

Um, did anyone reading this catch that? The negative symbolism of the snake was used by the Christians while the positive connontation was non-christian?? Hmmm... Is that telling?? I have my own ideas but anyone reading this is certain to make up their own.

Sadly, my hopes of Richmond redeeming herself in my eyes was a battle lost, and I still don't think much of her. I think even less of her now. To finish up what happened, I gracefully changed the subject and bored her to death until she left our table. Afterward, despite the baleful look I got from my husband, I was able to honestly proclaim that I practiced what I preach- theological tolerance. It's not easy, folks, but like with most behaviors, they become easier with practice. I suppose this was the test of my practicing. I wonder if it would surprise her to learn that I have a serpent tattoo'd on my body. I wonder also if she's heard the quote from D.H. Lawrence which states, "The Christian fear of the Pagan outlook has damaged the whole consciousness of man."

Well, here's a fact I think she should hear. My Goddess gave birth to your God. :)


Where the Goddess goes, Magick grows

Sonja

Does coffee taste better outside in the sunshine?

I can't think of anything cute or clever to introduce this blog with right now, because the thought of going outside in the morning with my coffee and walking around & squishing my toes in cool, dew-drenched grass is consuming me. This is natural, I suppose, for those of us who get to enjoy four seasons a year. Especially around now...

So to feed my soul and get my sanity back, I went and got an Umbrella plant and some Miracle Gro for my ferns. I gotta tell ya, it has definitely helped me. So, in typical Sonja fashion I get sidetracked with thoughts of spring and I start researching how to design different garden beds, shade loving plants, etc. All it did was make me miss Spring even more.




Naturally I will suck it up and watch "Fool's Gold" to get my tropics fix. I will go out and get more clear quartz and moss agate to give my plants good vibes, I'll probably wear my malachite jewelry like it's going out of style, but I am chompin' at the bit to see some green outside! lol :) Starting some sproutlings ought to help me reconnect with Earth and Spirit, since with over 3 feet of snow covering my yard, envisioning a lush, green paradise is a bit difficult. I've always been a visual learner...

I suppose that with all the collective yearnings for spring in the world, we will have a wonderfully green and wet spring before we know it :) With all the blessings that spring gives, it will undoubtedly make me miss the chillier winter months before long. So goes the circle of life, so goes the balance of nature.

Here's to longing for spring. Then summer. Then autumn. Then winter.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's job, right?

The last weeks of 2010 were such a career hell for me I cannot express in polite language how they drove me mad & depleted the last of my patience reserves. Sadly enough, when we make our way into a new year, our problems don't always stay in the past with the turning of the clock hands. This is my case, as all the pushing I have done to try to guide my life down a successful and lucrative path has backfired. I suppose I don't get why every professional life coach and psychotherapist tells us that we have to be an active participant in our lives if we want it to go our way when more alternative scholars and "professionals" are always saying that no matter how we push and no matter how involved we are in shaping our lives we will always get what we need in our lives, we just have to wait patiently and read the signs. Life just keeps pushing back at me, I'm tired of waiting for career success, and I'm done with it!!! (For today anyways.... lol) Basically I am trying to find out why I'm the target of this karmic toilet dump on my life.

The past three weeks I have been overworked and under-appreciated. Sure, this happens to everyone at times in their lives, but I have been working for years at getting ahead in my field. I thought for sure that this winter was going to put me in the golden seat, springing me ahead as a respected figure in my work community. Well, that didn't happen, and someone else got the job. Someone I didn't necessarily think was good for the job. Now my conundrum is that I don't like her for the job I pretty much coveted since I started working there. However, I do like her as a person, we are even friendly. I shouldn't really complain about it b/c we have similar ideas about how the spa should be run, how to fix communication issues, etc. Though it stings to admit (being a proud person, it's always tough admitting) but I'm really glad that she got the job and not someone else whose ideas and m.o. I don't agree with. I really mean that. I would have had a much more difficult time adjusting had it not been her.

Don't get me wrong, I still want that position, and I think I'm an excellent candidate for it. However, after reflecting [too many hours] on it, I kinda really do want to see my coworker succeed. It's weird, and I don't know quite how to feel about it, but I think she deserves a chance at making some positive changes around my workplace before I go griping about it...

I suppose in the meantime I will just sit back and see what happens. Which is probably what the universe had wanted me to do in the first place....

Trust

What can I say about trust? In relationships, it's the glue that holds it all together. It's delicate, fickle, difficult to establish, difficult to fix. It can be the most freeing aspect of a relationship when it's strong and infalliable; it can be the most suffocating and daunting aspect of a relationship when it's not there or it's broken.

I just recently had a trust broke by my very own husband. I am so mad at him. He misinterpreted my mood swings and distance as suspicion of an illicit affair (and not pms as I told him not 3 days ago), and helped himself to looking through my phone texts with a particular friend of mine that I've reconnected with. Yes, this person just happens to be a guy whom I dated briefly 10 yrs ago who I am better off friends with. This should be irrelevant when my husband tells me quite often that he doesn't care whom I talk/txt. Well, it's quite obvious that he indeed does care, and to be real, if it mattered whom I talked to since day one he should have been honest about it. Nothing illicit, inappropriate, sexual, degrading, or disrespectful was said during this texting thread between my friend and I. Somehow my husband made something up in his head and it leaked out in the form of fear and need.

Now, with my vast relationship experience I was able to read between the lines and see a vulnerability in my husband that I've never noticed before. Now, if you knew my husband you would know that the word "vulnerable" doesn't exist in his vocabulary, so I realize that I have to be very careful with his feelings. I don't want to discourage him from sharing his true feelings with me but I have to let him know he can't invade my privacy in order to get answers. He isn't my father, he doesn't get to go over my head and go through my stuff if he's suspicious of something; it doesn't work that way. He needs to ask me like an adult and trust that I will be honest with him.

*I feel it's necessary to point out that I've never had an affair or any activity relating to or eluding to one during our relationship.*

Of course I apologized for hurting his feelings (though I'm not sure why), and as we are talking he is telling me that my actions are a form of escapism and that it's ok to have fantasies of a better/different life than the one I have now. Ok Freud, I fucking know what escapism is, thankyouverymuch; let's point the perverbial finger at me, right? Because I'm the one to blame for this drama. He then proposes that we get counseling, which we could benefit from; on that point, I agreed. Following some intense therapy sessions together we will see where we end up.

What did I ever do to deserve this? Is it because I'm attractive he feels he has to be some protective or jealous? I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but this can't happen anymore. He says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and that he never should have looked in the first place (no shit); basically, he is trying to cut off the shit storm he's going to get from me and invalidate my feelings on the matter. My thoughts are troubled as I feel somehow that I should be patient with him about this, mainly b/c he's never done anything like this before. I feel that if I were to totally invoke the essence of Lilith, he would never talk to me again. I feel that love and tenderness should be invoked instead. I just hope that it's effective enough to drive home the point that it's not ok to invade my privacy based on an illegitimate fear, and that to do so again (behind my back or otherwise) is going to cause some serious problems.

So I invite the question... how would you handle this?

Love & Light

... you got the wrong mustache, babe.

Yesterday evening I had a wonderful date with my husband, who took me to Skyburgers for my fave Fish Taco burger, and then to UVM for a baseball game. We had a great time and it was reminisce of when we first started dating, being silly and showing PDA. As we are watching the game, he is sharing with me his knowledge of baseball, which isn't much but much more than mine. He tells me that the Chinese and Japanese are HUGE baseball fans, which is astonishing to me, and he asks, "Haven't you seen 'Mr. Baseball?'"

"Uh, nope. Can't say I have, babe."

"Well, it's an older movie staring Tom Selleck as a washed up old MLB player who is given a second chance at glory overseas in Japan."

"Oh, ok."

We continue watching the game without interuption when lo and behold, a player from the visiting team's name is Burt Reynolds!! (This guy was black and had no resemblance to the actor). So as the announcer is introducing him ("...and here is number 35, Burt Reynolds!"), my hubs starts shouting, "WOO!!! GO BURT REYNOLDS!!"

And me getting so excited by all the shouting and merriment, shout "YEAH! BURT REYNOLDS! GO MR. BASEBALL!!!!"

Now....

My husband goes dead silent as all the fun drips from his face, replaced by a patronizing smile, and says, "... you got the wrong mustache, babe. Mr. Baseball is Tom Selleck. Not Burt Reynolds..."

MOST EPIC BLONDE MOMENT IN HERSTORY

We're laughing so friggin hard & I can't breathe or make a sound for the next 5 mins. Then he says to me (as his arm is drapped over my shoulder), "Babe, that blonde moment was so epic that I swear my arm hair just turned platinum. Thank you for that, I love you."

No prob, babe. Love you too.

Simply stated, yesthankyouverymuch.

When it comes to wearing a dress, let's just say I'm not so eager to jump in one after having a baby. I know, I know, it's been over 2 yrs but I still don't have my pre-baby body back. This insecurity has contributed towards my ever growing drawer of sweatpants and guinea tees, which are the basis of my daily ensemble. Not that there is anything wrong with "Give-ups" as I call them, but it won't swing when I have a wedding to attend in less than a month.

Since I've gotten the invite, I've been stressing on what to wear. Now of course I know I'm going to wear a dress, but what one?! (Activate freak out mode). So over the weeks I've window shopped online, at a few stores, but still no dress. After hours of parousing the hundreds of cute dresses online and wallowing in my own self-hate, I realized something... I'm definitely not as big as I think I am and I have a killer sense of what looks good on me. (This is where I beat myself up more for not being as confident as I should be.)

Enter my holy grail of dresses. It is sexy, unique, comfortable fabric, and is cut to flatter my "problem areas". I want to kiss the designer on the mouth for making this dress. Now typically I work my outfit around my shoes but with this dress any shoe could really work, alleviating that stressful decision. So far this dress has really done so much for me and I haven't even worn it yet! Point is I have found the one. The one dress I can feel gorgeous in (with my current body shape) and that's what really matters.

I present to you the fabulous frock and it's wonderful accessories. And yes, makeup is an accessory; I don't need to wear it but it's so much sexy fun!!

FROCK




HAIR/MAKEUP (side note: hair will be not be so "romantic". More undone, I'm thinking.)




SHOES (side note: These are Yves Saint Laurent. I only wish I could afford a pair but I will find a comparable style and color.)