Trust

What can I say about trust? In relationships, it's the glue that holds it all together. It's delicate, fickle, difficult to establish, difficult to fix. It can be the most freeing aspect of a relationship when it's strong and infalliable; it can be the most suffocating and daunting aspect of a relationship when it's not there or it's broken.

I just recently had a trust broke by my very own husband. I am so mad at him. He misinterpreted my mood swings and distance as suspicion of an illicit affair (and not pms as I told him not 3 days ago), and helped himself to looking through my phone texts with a particular friend of mine that I've reconnected with. Yes, this person just happens to be a guy whom I dated briefly 10 yrs ago who I am better off friends with. This should be irrelevant when my husband tells me quite often that he doesn't care whom I talk/txt. Well, it's quite obvious that he indeed does care, and to be real, if it mattered whom I talked to since day one he should have been honest about it. Nothing illicit, inappropriate, sexual, degrading, or disrespectful was said during this texting thread between my friend and I. Somehow my husband made something up in his head and it leaked out in the form of fear and need.

Now, with my vast relationship experience I was able to read between the lines and see a vulnerability in my husband that I've never noticed before. Now, if you knew my husband you would know that the word "vulnerable" doesn't exist in his vocabulary, so I realize that I have to be very careful with his feelings. I don't want to discourage him from sharing his true feelings with me but I have to let him know he can't invade my privacy in order to get answers. He isn't my father, he doesn't get to go over my head and go through my stuff if he's suspicious of something; it doesn't work that way. He needs to ask me like an adult and trust that I will be honest with him.

*I feel it's necessary to point out that I've never had an affair or any activity relating to or eluding to one during our relationship.*

Of course I apologized for hurting his feelings (though I'm not sure why), and as we are talking he is telling me that my actions are a form of escapism and that it's ok to have fantasies of a better/different life than the one I have now. Ok Freud, I fucking know what escapism is, thankyouverymuch; let's point the perverbial finger at me, right? Because I'm the one to blame for this drama. He then proposes that we get counseling, which we could benefit from; on that point, I agreed. Following some intense therapy sessions together we will see where we end up.

What did I ever do to deserve this? Is it because I'm attractive he feels he has to be some protective or jealous? I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but this can't happen anymore. He says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and that he never should have looked in the first place (no shit); basically, he is trying to cut off the shit storm he's going to get from me and invalidate my feelings on the matter. My thoughts are troubled as I feel somehow that I should be patient with him about this, mainly b/c he's never done anything like this before. I feel that if I were to totally invoke the essence of Lilith, he would never talk to me again. I feel that love and tenderness should be invoked instead. I just hope that it's effective enough to drive home the point that it's not ok to invade my privacy based on an illegitimate fear, and that to do so again (behind my back or otherwise) is going to cause some serious problems.

So I invite the question... how would you handle this?

Love & Light